Boundaries: what’s the take?
More and more clients approach me as a coach, because they want to learn how to set “healthy” boundaries. I air-quote healthy, because I feel like it’s worth an analysis.
But let me first start with boundary. The Oxford language definition is:
· a line that marks the limits of an area, a dividing line.
· a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.
Basically, it means setting a limit.
Now, how do we set a “healthy” limit? The Oxford language definition of healthy is:
· in good health.
· not diseased.
· indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health.
In other words, boundaries define what is appropriate behavior in our relationships – behavior that keeps both parties safe. And setting healthy boundaries is crucial for self-care and positive relationships. In the context of psychology, boundaries are a conceptual limit between you and the other person. Simply put, it’s about knowing where you end, and others begin. Knowing what’s yours and what’s not. Acknowledging that every adult is responsible for themselves. Having a functional boundary (one that works) means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and not taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.
According to personal space theory (Scott, 1993), we have boundaries, and can regulate how permeable they are, meaning what we let in and out, when it comes to the physical, mental and spiritual environment. Maintaining boundaries is about being the gatekeeper of your life in order to keep yourself safe and well.
The issue is when you’ve been brought up and educated in a parent-pleasing environment, where that limit, that line, most often has been blurred, especially if you’ve been “loved by merit”, meaning that as a child, you were only worthy of love when you obeyed your parents or the authoritative figure in your life, even if it meant crossing your boundaries. If this concept hits home with you, there are good chances, that as an adult you’ve grown into a “people pleaser”, setting other people’s needs and issues before your own, wrongfully thinking that is the only way you’re worthy of being loved, respected and liked by your family, friends, boss’, coworkers etc.
The good news is that you can amend this behavior and learn how to set your limits; boundaries that keep you sane and the anger at bay. Anger? You may wonder. Yes anger! There is a direct correlation with “people pleasing” and doing things against your will, so to speak, and anger issues. Putting everyone else’s’ needs before your own, can create a lot of resentment, frustration, and anger, which will then bring about a whole other set of issues, to a point of somatization and finally sicknesses.
Also, another important factor is that when you have issues setting boundaries for yourself, you may also experience issues when people set their boundaries towards you. In other words, your fear of setting a limit is directly linked to how you feel when other people set limits. It may bring about feelings of rejection, self-doubt, insecurities, shame, failure and frustration.
So when dealing with boundary issues, make sure you deal not only with setting boundaries for yourself but also accepting boundaries set by others.
Make sure you ask for help and support when identifying boundary issues. A professional coach or psychologist can give you the tools, support and help you need in order to set healthy boundaries.
